How Buddha must have felt every day

I have been experimenting with drugs for four of my
nineteen years of life. I have always been drawn to the "unseen," and have
been continually let down by things external to me such as religion,
intelligence, and outside methods of spirituality. That is why I started
doing drugs; not completely out of self-abuse, which is one of the reasons
many people experiment with drugs, but out of the mysique associated with
them and in hopes that I could find what it was I was searching for: The
meaning of life. I tried every drug I could get my hands on, some of it pure
and some of it cut with who knows what. Then, my freshman year, I was introduced to ecstasy.

I received this ecstasy from the East Coast, and was assured that it was
pure. The first time I tried it I was blown away by its power; the entire
time I was on it all I could picture were Tibetan monks at prayer. That
began a spiritual escalation for me, and ever since that time every dose I
have taken has been a completely spiritual one. But the physical
after-effects of that first time were incredible. I was feverishly sick,
with chills, delusions, and incessant vomiting. It was two days before the
sickness went away completely, and I vowed never to do it again. It was a
very short-lived vow.

I then took ecstasy about once a week, maybe more, for about four months, and
that period of my life was the most beautiful it has ever been. I was so in
touch with myself that nothing could get me down. Even being off of the
drug, I still floated in a cloud which touched the ground. It wasn't as if I
were hidden in a mask of unreality; it was as if I was The Real, and
everything I felt, saw, touched, and tasted came to life in a way it never
had before. Everything made sense, and the Taoist "action by nonaction"
guided my existence. The trees spoke to me in soft words of wonder, and I
returned their voice with one of beauty and purity. Life was beautiful, and
I lived it the way it was meant to be lived.

A friend of mine who I was with when he took it for the first time said, "Now
I know how Buddha must have felt every day." That says it all.
Those days of love and connection with everything are lost to me now, though.
I have not done ecstasy for four months, and a lot has transpired in my life
since then. I was forced to move to a town full of bullshit, where the
people wouldn't know spirituality unless they saw it on MTV. It was there
that I lost it. The Beauty, Peace, and Fulfillment I experienced when on E:
Gone. I wish that I could get that back, but I am afraid that by doing the
drug again, it will only be the drug working magic and not myself. But if I
could do it, just one more time, I would be there. I could remember how
things really are. I could feel myself in all things; and all things in
myself.

A 19 year old American woman

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