Finding my identity

What cannabis does for me is offer a separation from a certain reality..
the reality that conditions itself upon me as a result of everything I
have experienced and am experiencing. I can then contemplate other
realities, wavelengths, beats, focal points, spiritual planes,
languages.. anything that channels energy from the abstract to the
concrete. I open myself up to the balance of death/life, 0/1,
feeling/thought, lunacy/enlightenment.. in essence creating a duality in
Everything for the sole purpose of re-integrating it.

I reflect on how one can find/lose oneself in the abstract or in the
concrete.. being pulled into one direction while neglecting the other.
Depending on my perspective towards the experience while I indulge in
it, I adjust the way I live my life when I am more focused. I also
adjust how much I "focus".. how much I grasp from the seeminly infinite
knowledge that the world communicates with and establishes as a
conceptual base for reality. Complementing the focus, I also open
myself to new beginnings, greather breadth, generalization and
interpretation of what the focus in my life has brought. I think about
how a certain viewpoint, a determined focus, an inertial reference frame
for the mind/spirit to vibrate from, can shift your view of reality and
what it encompasses. Enlightenment is feeling Everything and thinking
Nothing. Lunacy is feeling Nothing and thinking Everything. Yet in
many ways they are the same.. somewhere in between is where our sense of
reality lies. From the sub-atomic to the astronomic, from the
introspective to the collective, from the poetic to the scientific, from
the intimate to the communicated, our intrinsic and extrinsic views of
the Universe are the limits of the world we live in.

What Ecstasy did for me was offer a lot of positivity in my
philosophical feedback loops. After one experience of overwhelming
positivity and pleasure, I felt that the spirit, the theme, of what we
call thoughts and emotions is how we choose to think and feel not only
towards life, but towards the thoughts/emotions themselves. We all have
our views, our perspectives on life and all it entails. All it takes is
a conscious/subconscious/superconscious decision on where to place
oneself among all the views one has encountered and has yet to
encounter, and whatever feeling one desires will surface. After my one
experience with ecstasy, my psychoactive enhancements with cannabis have
reached psychadelic proportions.

As to how my view of relationships was altered.. I feel a relationship
to be a pattern of communication with another entity.. whether it be a
relationship with the Earth, with a parent, a friend, a lover, a pet, or
any material manifestation of the abstract and/or spiritual enhancement
of the concrete that encompasses a spectrum of reality/fantasy we both
share. Relationships, then, became shared realities / shared
fantasies. Communication is the path through which I can unify my
existence with everything around me. I am learning many languages, from
Spanish and English to logic to music to philosophy to spirituality.
The more languages I learn, the greater the breadth of my communication
with everything in the universe beyond my concept of "self".. the
greater the focus on each language I encounter, the more I will be able
to channel my abstractions through it to find harmony between my
understanding of the universe and the universe's understanding of me.

Pertaining an indentifying description, I can give you many descriptions
of me and you can form whatever identities you want from them. An
"identity" results from a mental plane of coexistence with certain
"entities", a plane in which your similarities are used by others to
"identify" you as one of of them or one of another group. If you were
to read my "I am" poem again, you could see how I have experimented with
different identities throughout my life so far. Everything I say I am,
I can envision as my identity while other things in my life revolve
around it. It can range from saying "I am me," having the self be my
identity and taking an ego-centric perspective, to saying "I am the
Universe" (or part of it, or one of its manifestations.. but
nevertheless having the focus be on what I am not instead of what I am),
at which point I lose all concept of self. The Universe can encompass
everything in the self, and the self can encompass everything in the
Universe, when you think about everything that is part of you and
everything that you are part of. To answer your questions/assumptions,
I am 18 Earth years of age, I was born in Colombia, and I've spent over
half my life in the U.S.A. As for occupation, I'm still trying to
decide what services I feel comfortable charging money for. When I feel
I can depend on music for financial as well as spiritual sustainment, I
will make the transition. Until then, I take the opportunity to give
service and receive compensation in whatever way seems fit.. be it
designing web pages and analyzing management software solutions for a
corporation, "tutoring" local high school teachers on the use of the
internet, or whatever else as long as it leaves me with time and desire
for music exploration/education/experimentation.

Feel free to publish my account anywhere. I would like not to remain
anonymous.. much of my expression has been anonymous, so now I want to
reconcile my thoughts/emotions with my identity.

from Leonardo <wizard@deepthought.armory.com>

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