Conflicts about relationships

I am 17, independent and free-spirited by nature, and by weekend a user

of E. I discovered the rave scene about 6 months ago and since then have

acquired a "family" that I love, tried new drugs, and my mind and eyes

have been opened considerably to the real things in life- love,

happiness, and being with those that you love and bring you happiness:)

I was extremely happy to stumble upon your website, complete with

questions and intelligent answers to things I often wonder about. It is

wonderful to find someone who understands the logistics and chemical

explanations behind why I feel the way I do when I use E.

Unfortunately, the empathogenesis that I feel with others has led me

into bad situations and conflicts about relationships and those types of

things often lately. I have a particular story to tell you that might

find very touching and sweet- I do but I experienced it so who knows?

At the second rave that I ever "rolled" at, I was introduced through

friends to a guy named Tim. Even though I was on LSD and a tab at the

time, I felt a pull stronger than anything I've ever felt towards him-

the second our eyes met there was a certain distinct seriousness in the

air of something so incredibly special. It was unbelievable, and we

immediately sat down in the theater where the rave was and stayed

together for the rest of the night. Our bodies fit perfectly and I was

in love:) That morning at the afterparty he told me that he was moving

to Los Angeles in early August (the date of that rave was June 28th).

So I knew our time together was very limited. He didn't call me for a

couple of days, but the next week was 4th of July weekend and we ended

up spending a night together of swimming, watching Japanimation films,

and sleeping together- and I mean merely sleeping- no sex involved. He

lived about 25 minutes away so we didn't see each other the next week

but that Friday night the 11th- everyone went to a rave and him and I

stayed at his house and ended up sleeping together. It was sex- purely

sex and nothing more- and he actually stopped right in the middle

because neither of us felt right at all- the vibes weren't there, no

passion, nothing. I am so serious when I tell you that it was the most

horrible that I have ever felt, and I cried the entire night softly so

he couldn't hear. The next night we went to a rave together and all was

well, we were together and the night was beautiful. I didn't speak to

him the rest of the week, but that following Saturday I talked to a girl

we were both close with, and she told me that he didn't like me. It was

terrible. But I knew he was going to a rave in Birmingham that night so

that I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him in New Orleans at the

rave. I vowed to go and have the best time, through my tears, and when

I got to the party at 2:30 am, sure enough, he was there. I straight up

ignored him and walked off with my friends and we went off and all took

some E. From there I found myself turned around by my brother who knew

the entire situation, had talked to Tim and knew that Tim hadn't

said that. So Tim and I kept meeting eyes from across the way and all

of that, and I knew he wanted to talk to me.

We ended up walking off at about 4, and from that point on I knew it was

hopeless to resist:) We sat together and talked about what he had

supposedly said, why he hadn't called, etc., etc. Well, he didn't even

answer me when I asked him why he hadn't kept in touch. He just started

to cry! Then he told me that his dad was dying of cancer and that

between his dad terminal and him moving in two weeks, that he was so

scared of how strong the feelings he had felt for me were. Then I began

to cry and for an hour we cried together and with the E it didn't even

seem so bad after all. They were beautiful tears, and we both realized

that neither of us had wanted to have sex, and that we both loved each

other. The whole night is a vision of unbelievable emotions and

happiness for me. It is hard for me to even describe. Well, we

continued to see each other only at raves and talk, and be in love with

the moment and each other, until the morning that he left- August 5th.

I stayed with his two best friends James and John the night before he

left with the idea that in the morning we were going to wake up and go

to the airport and see him off for the last time. I had seen him a

couple of nights beforehand and he had hugged me and told me that he

loved me, and I knew that was the last time that I was going to see him-

that next morning we all three overslept and missed Shaun's plane by 5

minutes. We did go to the airport- Tim and James and John had this

plan that they were all three going to take a tab before he got on the

plane so that they would be upset and miss him but that the e would

lessen the effect of his leaving. Since we missed Tim, I took Tim's

tab and the rest of the day rolled with James and John reminescing about

all of our special times with Tim and about why we all loved him. We

three were already so close to begin with- they adored Tim and they

knew how we felt about each other so they treated me like a princess.

We all grew so close that day- unspeakably close. We now all share that

memory of the summer with Tim, the day that he left, and everytime we

each see each other we are reminded of how much we care for each other

and what family really means. They've helped me out in such bad times,

and watched out for me no matter what. So out of my relationship with

Tim I made two beautiful friends who I still have, and we are all

three going to go to Zen Fest, a big rave in Tampa this weekend.

Because of e, I believe, I have experienced some of the most amazing

emotions human beings can hold within them, and now I have incredible

summer memories, a dear friend in Los Angeles who I still talk to and

love, and I can cherish it all. I am young, happy, and haven't always

made the best decisions. But now I have grown by being with others, and

I know how special life truly is.